My husband and I have learned how to live (and travel) together even though we have very different styles.

In the middle of an evening, Barry and I invited a couple over for drinks and I thought, “Here we go again.” We were sitting on the terrace of our house in Guanajuato, the UNESCO World Heritage city in central Mexico where we live part of the year, and again, I noticed the dynamic: each of us was paying more attention to Jenna, the wife, than to her husband, Ron, who was a little neglected.

“Why does it always work this way?” I wonder. Barry and I don’t have many friends who are couples, probably because we both usually like one partner more. They attract attention, and the other feels left out. Not a good show, obviously.

While we both love being around people, we have different socializing styles. Unlike most men I know, Barry doesn’t depend on me for friendship (thank God!). He has what many sociologists call “loose ties,” such as baristas, mail carriers, or cashiers, whom he knows by name and talks to. He also has close male friends, but they are more likely to go on outings, while I have stronger friendships. Classic gender difference.

Barry can enjoy his own company more than I can. He teases me that I’m unhappy if I don’t have at least one deep connection a day. It’s not completely, but just knowing that in the next 24 hours I’m going to meet someone I like or someone I’m excited about gives me a lift.

This is just one example of the many different styles we’ve explored – both at home and on the go – over the years. example:

at home

Different choices of when to leave and arrive at a party

A few months ago Barry and I were at a party in Guanajuato. I was chatting with a couple of women I had just met, when Barry came up to me and told me he was ready to go. “Cool, see you later,” I said.

We’ve realized over the years that I often like to stay at parties more than him. I’d rather stay longer than argue about when to leave. It’s easy in Guanajuato because everything is so close and within walking distance.

Although none of us are big parties, we love them in small quantities. But I’m already a little worried. When I get to a party and find someone to chat with, I enjoy myself, but it’s not always easy. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up They make me hurry up. I don’t even mind the first coming.

On the other hand, Barry, like most people I know, doesn’t want to arrive early. As soon as we left the party, we did not find a solution for this either. Because I’d rather go to a party alone, even if I don’t arrive before it. It looks amazing. I know, I don’t care, but I do.

Different sleep times

As we are both early risers, Barry sleeps after me. It bothered me that we didn’t sleep together, mainly because I didn’t know any other couples who had different bedtimes, and I saw it as a failure. But I’ve grown to accept it, especially when I pressure Barry to sleep with me, when I realize he’s awake for hours trying to sleep, and I know how frustrating that can be.

At our home on the north coast of California, Eureka makes it easier for me to sleep before him, because our bedroom is next to the living room, and it’s comforting to know that he’s only a few feet away—unlike in Guanajuato, our bedroom is on the third floor and Salah On the second. My solution is to unfold the futon and sleep on its side on the floor. Later he woke me up and we went to bed.

When traveling

Different styles around organizing our day

It was February 1983 and Barry and I woke up one morning in our budget hotel to the scent of sandalwood, one of the hallmarks of Mysore, India. We were on a 3-month hippy-style unorganized trip through Sri Lanka, India, and Nepal. Barry stretched gracefully, turned to me, smiled, and said, “That’s great – we have so many options! We can lie in bed, read, make love, get up, eat breakfast, visit a temple or go shopping. A lot of freedom!”

I pulled the sheet over my head and started crying. “It’s too much! I’m overwhelmed. So many options!”

In Mysore, I was not yet familiar with the personality tool known as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). While I’m more of a “J”, which stands for Judgment (a misleading word, because it’s not someone who is judgmental, but prefers to plan and dictate), Barry is more of a “P” (perception). ) is a simple type that floats happily all day long. Hence his joy – and my dismay – at waking up on a blank day. (Full disclosure: Barry Myers-Briggs thinks it’s baloney!)

Fortunately, we are both soft. Although Barry prefers not to schedule much, he’s not against the plan, and I’m much easier now than I was in Mysore. Also, life In today’s world it makes it easier to create structure on the go. In the year In 1983, there were no meetings, no Internet, no couch surfing—in other words, fewer organized ways to connect with people.

Even then, we didn’t connect easily. When we trekked in Nepal, for example a month later in Mysore, we stayed in guesthouses owned by Nepali families. At a dinner party in the village of Gorepany, a woman from Quebec asked if she could watch her mother and grandmother cook for the afternoon. I was jealous. It never occurred to me that I could have a genuine conversation with Nepali hosts and break the host-guest barrier.

Thankfully, we’ve loved meeting people wherever we’ve traveled since then. For example, on our sabbatical since 1999, we spent a month in Tbilisi, Georgia; There we met people from a list given to us by an Austrian woman we met in Oaxaca, Mexico 6 months ago. We invited these people one by one to our apartment for dinner.

And we chatted in Medellin, Colombia, where we had a home exchange with our home in Guanajuato. Taxi drivers The story of their lives and the city’s hardships during the years of drug lord Pablo Escobar.

Other ways we’ve found to meet my need for structure are Airbnbs (where I not only cook, but go food shopping, which is fun abroad) and give lectures at English schools.

Over the years, we’ve learned to be creative, so I don’t wake up crying on a beautiful morning!

Different priorities in cities

For as long as I’ve known him, Barry has liked to do touristy and touristy things like chess; climbing towers (the more, the better, one after the other, in the same city!); Driving on tourist buses; explore castles, museums and ruins; Take a trip on riverboats; visiting amusement parks (when we went to Six Flags in Southern California he rode the roller coaster over and over until the park closed!); And I think other things are overrated and ridiculously expensive.

I’m more clumsy. For example in Paris, I prefer to sit in a cafe trying to see what I can. so true Chic, drinking cafe au lait and people-watching, not climbing the Eiffel Tower.

But gradually Barry’s enthusiasm, his passion for archeology and science, and his ability to put things into historical context won me over. Nowadays, I like to join him, especially visiting the archaeological ruins that we have done all over Turkey And Mexico in particular.

It took us a while – almost 50 years! – But in the end, our metaphors, if not exactly the net, at least meet in the middle. No more panicky mornings for me. After we wake up, I’m ready to find the nearest market, talk to A Cabbie, Or go to a meeting. In many ways, living and traveling are easier on the 71 than on the 31.

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