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Anna’s attempts to ask her manager for help in dealing with an abusive colleague were unsuccessful. “My head just said to me, ‘He’s a fool, wait until he fucks you.’
Because she was relatively new to her job, she had no allies to give her perspective to the marketing company she had joined. Feeling unhappy and alone, she contacted me for psychological training to try to find a way to deal with her situation.
Like Anna, many people struggle to find the clarity and confidence needed to extract themselves from abusive circumstances at work. Instead, they often think, “What have I done wrong?”
In a highly volatile situation, it’s all too easy to overestimate your part in what happened when it may be a product of the dysfunctional organization or simply by individual behavior: a harassing boss or a toxic partner. Often the culprit is successful and charismatic and this only adds to the confusion.
Also, if your awesome work ignites envy, attempts to fix the aspects improving your performance can only make things worse. Similarly, if attempts to defend oneself are interpreted as questioning the competence of the culprit, he is unlikely to convey his point of view. Expressing your feelings to a co-worker that makes your life miserable is only sensible if you can control your emotions.
Anna, who is an American in her early thirties, feared for her job when the aggressive colleague broke into her job, attacked her character, complained about her, and threatened her. with which they dismissed her. Issues got worse because the situation triggered traumatic memories of bullying she experienced as a child.
She explains: “I had a vision of how one behaves and he started to question it. Which made me wonder, “Is something wrong with me?” And because he didn’t have the feeling of where the calibration was from, he created a great degree of fear and constant fear ”.
I explained how her colleague’s behavior was almost certainly designed to make Anna feel bad for not feeling inappropriate. It also seemed clear that the partner would not leave and that the company is unlikely to take any action. Once Anna was able to cope with these realities, she was able to let herself disconnect and plan her departure.
She says: “What was useful in our conversations was unpacking the culture of the organization, its psychology, its DNA; it was obvious that the organization did not care. There is a CEO who is very controlling and sees the rest as completely replaceable and worthless. ”
Transforming his perspective not only diminished his fears, but also restored his confidence. He was no longer allowed to be the target of his partner’s unfair projections. With this vision, he could respond to what was really going on, rather than reliving childhood traumas.
“I don’t like dealing with screams and“ BS, ”but yes [now] realizing that it’s nasty in the way getting caught in the rain is nasty. It doesn’t mean anything to me, but I get wet. ”
At work, there is rarely time, experience, or motivation to solve ingrained psychological problems. It is often easier to absorb negative projections from others than to accept that your organization does not interest you or protect you from harm.
However, the risk of a severe blow to self-esteem, exhaustion, or depression is high. These states of mind cloud thinking and decrease concentration, leading to decreased self-belief and performance. Therefore, the optimal goal should be to protect yourself. Practice damage limitation by not challenging them when possible, moving to another position in the company, or looking for another job.
While the possibility of leaving may be daunting for some, especially if their confidence has plummeted, it is much easier to leave a toxic situation than to recover from the long-term harmful effects.
Michael, 35, a communications officer for a manufacturing company, also took initial responsibility for a dispute with his manager. But in reality, his boss was jealous of Michael’s lush personality and imaginative ideas. When he did well, his head attacked.
“I felt deeply demoralized,” Michael says. “There’s a certain madness: I started to think that there had to be some kind of private language or way of doing things that I hadn’t read and for which none of my skills were relevant.
“It simply came to our notice then. My manager was deeply insecure and projected his own anxieties on his team.
Michael’s psychological composition was such that he struggled forever to settle down and work harder when things got tough, but that only made the problem worse. His learning curve was to recognize that, regardless of his commitment, drive, and integrity, he would never thrive in that particular organization. Eventually, he was able to leave knowing that failure was not his.
“For years I assumed that there was work to validate you, but there I found that no matter how hard you worked, that validation did not come. It was a disturbing experience, it certainly matured me ”.
Realizing that not everything is solvable can be frustrating, but it is also a relief to know that not everything is up to you.
“I had a very inflated sense of my own ability to shape organizations,” Michael says. “Like an abusive relationship, it’s hard to get the courage to leave; in the end it was the best thing I did.”
If you find yourself demoralized, depressed, or exhausted at work due to an abusive relationship or a toxic culture, find a trusted person (former mentor, close colleague, or coach with psychological experience) who will give you perspective. They may be able to interrupt the self-destructive monologue of your mind and offer more realistic explanations and solutions to consider.
Also ask yourself if the circumstances are difficult and need to be worked on or if they are symptomatic of a difficult person or a larger cultural issue that is unlikely to change.
Moving away from a poisonous environment is strengthening and almost always a relief. Giving meaning to the experience allows not only to leave behind the bad work, but also the bad feelings. The ultimate goal is to leave with your self-esteem intact.
The writer is a business consultant and psychotherapist. She is the author of the next book, “The Man Who Wrongly Wrong Work for His Life.”
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