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In 45 cruises, I have never had a “man” (or woman or child) or norovirus outbreak, which, to refresh your memory, was “this” disease on ships until the ships arrived. you know.
So, while this quasi-cruise addict can’t say he’s seen it all, at least so far, it hasn’t always been smooth sailing for this seafaring writer. We’re not talking about the cheeseburger that went MIA after ordering from the Discovery Princess onboard app, or the Disney Wish guest relations who told me hours later that my luggage didn’t make it onto the ship after the cruise and they wouldn’t even refund me. A day’s wear. These stories are much better than that, and not surprisingly, many of them come from Carnival’s “fun ship.”
Managing some of the most eyebrow-raising moments was as difficult as dragging myself to the ship’s fitness center. Speaking of realism, while all sailors have their own boating tales that don’t sprinkle or sprinkle with jewels, these tales don’t contain any gold-plated water lilies.
Close the rooms
A minute after settling into my tiny cabin in Queen of the Nile for the five-night journey from Luxor to Aswan, the Egyptian backpacker visits with an awkward smile to deliver this disconcerting news: “You’ll be sharing your room with Michael. And he was about an hour away. Michael who? sharing? On my body! Filled with anger, after I got off the boat and checked into the hotel, I was told that a booking agent at Aggressor Adventures thought I’d be more than happy to share my stateroom with a stranger, Lord knows. how do i feel Oh, and when there’s an outbreak. This pyramid scheme has a happy ending: my trip turned from a river cruise to the land tour of a lifetime. And Michael, whoever and wherever you are, welcome to Single Cabin.
Kitchen nightmare
Jet-lagged on my first night in the Galapagos, I accepted the captain’s open invitation to go 1 hour aboard the Ecoventura, a 20-passenger ship, for a wheelhouse tour of Theory. On the way to the bridge, I noticed the outer galley door was open – a unique sight as both cooks had turned in for the night hours earlier. When I walked into the kitchen, my bloodshot eyes saw people eating from exposed rice boxes, raw meat leftovers that weren’t frozen, uncovered bowls of oil and shortening, and a dirty floor. After shooing the birds away, I closed the door. Her purser received a lecture from me the next morning, and in return I received an apology and an assurance that she would treat the galley crew personally. I’m so glad I packed lots of protein bars for the rest of the trip. Not making a big deal about these perceived health violations has earned me certain privileges, such as allowing me to dangerously photograph an amazing shark crazy inches from the carnage on its back.
A more interesting food story is my personal account of catching 11 lobster tails on a Panama Canal cruise on the Island Princess. Every good episode was better than the last until the seventh when I hit the wall, but I have respect for the sacrifices.
A dead magician
Little did I know that being honest with a naval officer would subject my family to one of the most humiliating moments of our lives. At the special chef’s table dinner, I gave a flat hand signal, “so-so,” when we were asked high above the carnival concourse if we’d enjoyed a magician who performed handshakes between courses. If I had replied, “Oh, just great,” we wouldn’t have been visited by Matt-Great Great in the main dining room the next day. With tears in his eyes and a soft voice, the Hungarian apologized to me for “ruining” our cruise. Southwest Airlines “Do you want to go?” The ad campaign was on then, I was swimming ashore to catch the next plane. So I did what every shy coward would do and hid my face in my hands until the magician hid himself. Conveniently missing for the rest of the cruise is a two-skid Balabermouth officer.
Indoor rain
Labadee, Haiti, was sunny and blue for the newsmaker’s maiden voyage to the magnificent seas. Unfortunately for the world’s largest cruise ship, the dry weather outside didn’t apply inside either. While most passengers were in port, passengers witnessed artificial rain falling on the retail-dotted Royal Promenade. The heavy rain caused the damaged fire sprinklers to come down and temporarily close the high fire doors. The fact that the shops and bars were open within hours of the flood was a miracle that would displace water at the level Moses parted the Red Sea.
Bed control
No water drips from my twin bed and when I returned to my carnival inspired cabin, one question was where their bladder control would be, a nasty stain. There was no way that before housekeeping came it made me and my cousin wonder if the sabi steward was using dirty sheets and how he didn’t notice. As we left the room for a different assistant to make the bed, “It’s not me!” I was forced to leave a note on my pillow.
Lost in translation
A Croatian photographer set on the famous solstice wanted my husband and I to pose in front of a green screen backdrop on a beautiful night. When asked what image would be the background, he replied, “Sheep. Both of you will be in front of the sheep. My confused expression surprised him. What an exotic backdrop for an Alaskan cruise. “Banana means more than sheep,” I said. Luckily, someone yelled, keeping his ears open. The back will be our ship! ” the passenger. We all shared the biggest laugh of the ship.
Going old school
Apparently, the CEO of Carnival Valor didn’t get the memo that misogyny is frowned upon by the world’s largest cruise line and all of Western society. And what a shock it was to hear him take the microphone on the first night and greet the guests of the main dining room, “You ladies should all be happy. No more cooking and cleaning!” Perhaps our dinner host was getting into the spirit of the upcoming 50th anniversary of Carnival by pretending it was 1972, not a month shy of 2022.
Check it out below!
While surveying the seas before leaving for Cuba, my children and I discovered that a portion of the ship’s roof had collapsed onto the carpet and a panel was hanging precariously from where it came from. So, naturally, we decided to tease the passers-by by having one of my sons fall over after being hit on the head. In 10 minutes not a single member of the crew had left, my oldest son had put a ship on the ground over his skull, and the guests who noticed the lifeless body seemed more concerned with getting to the buffet.
No Denmark for you.
Was it too much to ask the Viking Spirit crew in Germany for a table for two on their 20th anniversary night? Apparently we were told “no” despite five tables sitting unused in the dining room. “That room is closed,” the hostess said without apology or well wishes on our marriage chapter. The river cruise from Paris to Normandy was such a mess. The danish cake that was so popular at the welcome reception was gone by 6am on the first morning. “All I see is crumbs,” I told the guest service. “The staff ate them,” said her purser. “But you’re baking more, aren’t you?” I asked her, and she shot back, “No – you really should get up early!” Isn’t six in the morning enough? And what about the staff eating our food?
Dressed to impress
Walking back to my cabin to get out of my suit and tie, I thought about how I was dressed for being the only gentleman not wearing a tuxedo for a “gala evening” aboard Cunard’s fierce Queen Elizabeth. That is, I walked past the stateroom until a woman in nothing but her birthday dress pulled out her “Do Not Disturb” door hanger. Her blasé reaction may have been because she had her first birthday 75 years ago, or she was completely snockered. Whatever the case may be, this men’s suit doesn’t look like a suit.
Gator sight
After 6 nights of being greeted by a sunglasses-wearing dog, a hanging monkey, a googly-eyed snake, and other adorable villains at Carnival Victory, my wife, the mother of all towel animals, screamed bloody murder. Awaiting us in our stateroom was an 8-foot long pool made of dark blue pool towels that looked so real in the dim light. The Stowaway Snapper was a staple of our bait and found a tip the size of his gator.
Hirsute hijinks
The “hairy chest race” has almost disappeared from cruises, but for decades this poolside pastime has often been the biggest culprit of family-friendly cruises. Carnival is putting this crowd favorite on hiatus when the industry restarts in 2021, and in August, these raunchy shows are gone for good. Apart from the premature revealers, cross-dresses and other wild beasts that have caused shock and awe on the Lido racks, it’s a shame this lady has gone above and beyond to impress the judges. To the shock of hundreds around the pool, he slipped on the landing and broke his leg. The poor man was not only in third place, but on crutches for the rest of the cruise. They’re not sure what’s worse for six days, the physical pain or the ship’s laughter.
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